1. Year

                                                      "Difficult doesn't mean impossible.

                                                 It simply means that you have to work hard."  

A year ago today Sarah and I were at Starbucks before work. Sarah had ordered her coffee and I was just getting ready to when dystonia took over my whole body. I found myself not being able to get out what kind of coffee I wanted. Sarah turned to the cashier and instantly took over "She wants a white chocolate mocha". You could tell that the cashier had felt bad. 

I however understood that my speech was difficult to understand at all this time last year. My own Mom could hardly understand it. How could I expect a complete stranger to understand? This morning taught me a lesson. It's okay to need help sometimes! 

Little did I know this would be one of the last months before enduring endless tests, doctor appointments, and a scare with dystonia taking a turn for the worst. I would soon find myself opening up a brand new chapter to this journey. I would soon be faced with some tough decisions that most aren't ever faced with in their entire life.

I would soon find myself in Indy being watched by yet another Neurologist. A Neurologist who I ended falling in love with. A Neurologist who would hold my hand through some tough news. 

"Your daughter needs speech therapy bad. Has she ever had it before?"

"No. Nobody has ever mentioned this to us but her speech over the past year or so has really got tougher to understand."

"Well that's frustrating! Speech therapy should help her at least be able to speak more clearly!!"

My first reaction was "I am not doing that! That's stupid." I feel as if everything was just stupid during this time period. Like "Dude. Just fix me now and let's get on with the show!" Failing to realize that he was just a doctor practicing medicine. He couldn't just "Fix" dystonia. If only it were that simple, right?

Me to a T.

The moment that I realized that being stubborn wasn't helping my speech. It wasn't helping Dystonia. It was in fact holding me back from being the best Chelsi I could be. To get to that point though was hard. Like three months later hard. I'm glad I gave in because speech therapy has allowed me to have my independence back. 

It's no secret that I was slowly losing that independence. Communication was a huge struggle this time last year. It was to the point of I wouldn't even talk on the phone anymore. For fear that I would just hear yet again "I can't understand you". Oh man. If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone tell me that I could be rich.

I am so thankful for the friends I have in this life. That when I started speech therapy their only reply was "That is awesome Chels!" OR "Chels! I am so proud of you. We know it's hard but we know you can do it!"

 I am so thankful to Blake who became my very first ever speech therapist!

The amount of things he has taught me by just simply being MY friend. 

Those moments where I felt like I had failed myself in life but no worries blake wasn't letting me stay there for too long. He pushed. 

How thankful I am a year later that I made this decision. 

Knowing it was going to be hard.

And knowing it wasn't always something I wanted to do. 

It takes guts to face our own challenges head on.

How thankful I am to Amanda and Haley who really really pushed more and more this past semester! 

A year ago I never imaged that Jesus would open a whole new chapter in this journey. However, today looking back at it all...I am SO thankful he DID. I would have never met Blake, Amanda, and Haley. And what a blessing they have been throughout my life as dystonia isn't always easy.

The journey hasn't always been easy but it has most definitely been worth every negative thing dystonia has brought.

To be at this point in my life is all Jesus at work.

A year later I am so thankful for the journey Jesus has allowed me to journey through.

Dystonia does get hard. Life is hard. Dystonia or no Dystonia. 

Looking back today at how far I've come and how far I will go just makes my heart full.

As I fly to DC next month to speak on Capitol Hill I am reminded of this past year! 

I'm reminded that I'm on a mission for Jesus. 

I have a story to tell and knowing that my journey could help fund a cure just makes every bad day so worth it.

As I fly out next month I am praying and thanking Jesus for allowing me to share my story with congress and the world! 

Social Media says so...

              "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -2 cor. 12:9 

Three months ago we were set and ready to have a brain simulator put in. We had a team ready to jump at the first approval. It was game on dystonia! Knowing that my head was going to have to be shaved was heartbreaking but I was at THAT desperate. 

         A month ago my heart shattered once more as insurance denied our request through letter. 

                       My feelings were numb because at the time I wasn't sure what to feel. 

                             These past couple of weeks have been terribly difficult but you'd never know that                                      by looking on facebook and seeing my newest selfie picture would you?

We all seem to have it "together". When in fact we don't. We just don't. You don't. I don't. Maybe it's just me but this past week I have found myself comparing myself to others. Comparing myself to other girl's who have the "perfect" boyfriends, or the perfect "life's" without struggle. Maybe I am the only one who does this? Asking myself over and over again what is so wrong with me? What did I do so wrongly? 

                    I promised when I started writing that I would be real. So let me be real. 

I struggle daily.

I am just a simple girl in need of a savior daily.

Dystonia makes me feel unlovable some days.

I think to myself often "Maybe dating would be easier if it wasn't for dystonia"

I am not that book smart.

I struggle with my weight.

My heart has broke in more ways then one since being denied a simulator 

So the next time you see a "perfect" post on social media know that they are battling their own battles daily just as we all are.

We all have a battle we are facing daily. Mine might look different from yours but be careful what you say to someone. You have no idea what God has allowed them to walk through. 

As I am getting ready to start speech therapy back up for the third time. If it was easy I would have been done a year ago but I'm still working at it. Most days I come out with a smile on my face because I've been blessed with amazing people helping me.

Truth. There are some days I leave thinking "Why was that so hard for me?" You just gotta try even harder next time. Knowing in my heart I'm giving 110% because I want to better myself. Don't we all?

I found this picture the other day and my heart became heavy. 

When I first started this speech thing I could barley reply to Blake and say "I'm good!" Heck with adding "How are you?" Ahhh. Glad he didn't take too much offense to that :) 

I had one goal and that goal was to be able to read children's book to my pre-preschooler's out loud. Now for some I get that isn't even a goal because you can already do that. However, to me I couldn't. 

In MY life dystonia is one of the biggest battles I face daily.

My goals may not look like yours and I am learning that is OK! 

My goals are:

To do the BEST I can no matter what

Never giving up (even when that though runs in my brain often)

To serve Jesus daily

Bad day? Great! There's always tomorrow! Make it into a good day.

In everything I do reflect Jesus.

Bringing glory to him even when I don't agree with his plans or ways at times.

I can't see the bigger picture. He can. 

Point of this blog is our hearts break. Just because face book doesn't say "Feeling lost today" under our names doesn't mean we aren't feeling lost. 

You can either build a person UP and or knock then DOWN. 

Choose to build them up! 

You may not know their stories and that is OK! We don't always need to know.

Be their friend, and care! 

From a personal stand you don't know what it's like to go to work, then jump into speech therapy, then jump back into work. The next day having blood tests, and a doctor's appointment then jumping back to work. 

Putting this cover up on that "I'm ok!"

Be a good and faithful friend.

                             If he can hold the stars in place he can hold our hearts in place! 

                                                 Trust in the one who created you! 

Looking to 2017

        "For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the LORD,"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

                                                          

                                                                   Happy New Years! 

These last couple of days I have had time alone to just think. Reflect upon the Lord working through me. The heartbreaks that I've had to go through to get there. I am thankful for those heartbreaks, those tough times, and slowly realizing that it has shaped me into the person I am today. Watch out 2017 because I have a lot to accomplish! 

                                              2016 made history and I'm not done yet! 

The older I get the more I am understanding that this life isn't about me. I am realizing that this life...MY life is simple. It's to bring Jesus Christ glory in every situation. Nothing more. I'm learning that when your following the Lords will you can get things accomplished loud and clear! Making a large impact on the world around you. 

Those moments when you can't see the Lord's plans and you wonder what in the world can he possibly be teaching you. Showing you. 

He has shown me what love truly is. How it feels. What it looks like to be compassionate. How to love others in a deeper way then I might have ever without the struggles in my life. For that I am thankful. He has given me a love to work with children for the rest of my life. No questions asked. They have my heart.

My life without these little ones would be so incomplete.

I am thankful that my journey has lead me to meet some amazing friends. Standing beside me through this life. 

Everyone needs those friends who only let you complain for so long before shutting it down. The ones who love you no matter what life brings your way. 

I am most thankful for the cross and for the love Jesus has for me. There are days (like yesterday) were I wonder how in the world could he possibly love ME? I have so many fears and failures. I have a crazy unpredictable movement disorder. It's hard for me sometimes to understand the love he has for me never will leave. 

Today, after a rough day yesterday I am brought back to the love Jesus has for us. 

 I am praying that in this New Year that my eyes will be on him and brought back to him when needed. I would love for him to return this year and make all things right but do understand he's not finished yet. Until then I am praying that this race won't be too much longer before his return. That during the race I am running it to the best of my ability. 

I realize that this blog is kinda all over the place but it's been weeks since I have just set and wrote one and actually finished one. I am praying this year Jesus will use me in a great way! That others will see him through my actions.

He knows my name....and I am clinging onto him to lead and direct my heart this year in the way HE wants me to go.

Happy New Years to the world! 

I pray that you have an amazing year full of the Lord shinning through each of you!